A Post I Never Published

This was written on April 10, 2010 (a year ago)

I went to the doctor on Tuesday and we have good news! My endometriosis has not grown in the last 4 months! This is a small miracle considering that I've been doing nothing (medically)to treat it. Most of the time, if I'm not treating it, it's growing. So, praise the Lord! This is incredible news for us. It's so tiring trying this treatment and that treatment and changing the hormones in my body every few months. Felipe has never known me without it... so maybe now he's getting to know the real me :). I joke, "maybe I'm not sooo moody!" When I saw the doctor, he asked how I was doing. I said, "Well, I'm only taking one medicine (for thyroid) and I haven't seen you in 4 months! I'm doing great!" He smiled. And on top of that, physically, I feel really good. I still have one ovarian cyst and one small fibroid (tumor), but for now, they are nothing to worry about.

When we finished fertility treatments, I thought it was totally over. But when we went to the doctor in December and found that endometriosis had returned and cysts were growing, it was very disheartening. I look forward to a day without doctors.

I find it completely amazing how my heart has changed through this process. There has to be a God! I mean, we've always wanted to adopt, regardless of what happened. But I didn't know how I would feel if we weren't able to have a baby. I'm the girl who used to follow pregnant women and get lost from my mom in the store. I wanted to be a doula (a birthing assistant), I wanted natural childbirth and the whole nine yards. I actually wanted pregnancy as much as a baby. But, in the surrender of it all, something amazing has happened. I still get that glowing feeling when I see a pregnant girl, but I don't feel the deep pain that I once did. I don't feel envy anymore. I was in a baby store the other day and asked a girl for help in the stroller aisle. Side note: seriously, how many strollers does one person need!? For crying out loud... why are there so many to choose from? I felt so overwhelmed like I do in the tooth paste aisle! Girl at Buy Buy Baby was very helpful. She asked me how old my baby was. I told her with all the giddy-ness I have that I'm adopting!! I feel pregnant, but I'm not nauseas or bloated! Another side note: people used to say things like that to me about adopting... well if you adopt, you won't have to go through birth and all the bad things. Just FYI: only I can say things like that. It's like you can say something about you being overweight, but your friend just shouldn't :) And timing is everything. My heart had to get there. And today, I can look on that side of this.

Walking through the journey of infertility is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, even if I believed in the whole hate-your-enemy-thing. Felipe and I know a pain that I never knew existed. And we are learning the secret of contentment in it. I believe it comes from thankfulness. Now don't get me wrong, I had some shaking my fist at God, cursing him and yelling at Him moments. I was devastated. Yet, in the quiet, when I could force my will, in my darkest hours, through my sobs, I thanked Him. His word tells us to give thanks in ALL things. So, I thanked him for endometriosis. I thanked him for each day we didn't have a baby, for when we got to go on a bike ride without getting a babysitter, for sleeping in, for the pain, for the loss, for our embryos, for our friends and family, and for His sacrifice for us. I thanked Him for the joy I knew would come in the morning... or is it mourning.