Monday, May 18, 2009

We saw the doctor on Friday. The cyst remains and has not changed at all. :( He said it still looks like a clot. Since we are leaving town for two weeks, I'll stay on the pill in hopes of something changing and things not getting worse. He said our next step is to have a discussion about what comes next. He said we could continue to "piddle around with IUI's and hope for the best." He reminded us that my endometriosis is very severe and it just probably won't work. He's the leading specialist in Central Texas. He writes books about endometriosis. We are growing to trust him and we don't take his words lightly. There is one other treatment we could try. It's invasive, intense, and expensive. And it would give us a much greater chance for a child (or two). I've never wanted to do it. The nurse gave me some literature about it the other day and as she handed it to me, I felt a wave of grief come over me. I almost broke down right there in the office. I just never thought it would come to this. That we'd reach this point and not have a child. At this point, we just aren't sure what's next. There is a lot to think about. And there is grief.

I'm having a difficult time. My hormones and moods remain "crazy." I'm tired. At each turn in this journey when I just don't think I have what it takes to keep going, the Good Shepherd arrives on the scene and gives me new grace, new peace, new courage... greater than it was just moments before. So I know He's Coming! As I read a friend's blog this morning (about her own journey of infertility) I was reminded that each thing God is doing in our lives is Good and Right for us in that moment. I am learning to trust Him more deeply. I've never known this depth of pain... and yet, God is real and trustworthy in it. I didn't know that before.

Please pray for us over the next couple of weeks as we pray to discern what is next. Pray for the fullness of surrender in our hearts. That we would completely relinquish this to God. I feel us holding on. And pray that we'd be refreshed and renewed in Israel. And that my hormones would calm way down!! It's bad. :) In a "it's not funny anymore" kind of way.

Thank you sweet friends and family. We know we do not walk alone.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

"I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!!"

Three weeks ago, I started taking birth control pills to see if the cysts on my ovaries would go away. We can't proceed with any treatments if I have cysts. It's really dangerous for my ovaries. But the pill is better than another surgery. (I never thought I'd take b.c. pills to help us get pregnant;) Actually, I never thought I'd take them ever again. I have a strong disdain for the pill and how it works. And they tend to turn me into a crazy person.

This time is no different. Yesterday, I had to go back to the Sprint store after dinner and apologize to the Sprint guy for snapping at him. I should have gone back to Walgreens yesterday morning too to apologize to the pharmacist. And my loving husband is a saint! I'm reminded that the Spirit of the Lord who brings Self Control lives in me.

We saw the doctor on Friday. One of the cysts has gone away!! Yay!! That's the first time ever that one of my cysts has gone away on medicine alone!! There still remains one more, so I'm taking the pill for a little while longer. The doctor said the cyst looks like it could be a blood clot, so draining it may not be possible. If the pill doesn't work, he may have to remove it surgically.

Felipe and I are leaving for Israel on May 22nd for a two-week trip with his mom. We'll stay in Jerusalem at her apartment. And we'll take a 3-day stint to Egypt to go scuba diving in the Red Sea! I've never been to Israel! This is exciting!

We have a few weeks to decide how to proceed with treatments. It's nice to have a little break.
I realize that I haven't written much about my feelings. I think I just don't know what to say. It's difficult. I know the Lord is with us. He is near.

Thank you dear friends for your love and prayers.