the roller coaster goes upside down

So, we got the awaited call a little while ago.
We are not pregnant.

This week's roller coaster ride has taken more turns than we would have liked. After the last few days, we expected the result to be negative.

On Tuesday evening, I started what we thought was my period. Felipe and I cried and grieved and told our families. On Wednesday morning, I called the doctor and he wanted to see me that day. Wednesday afternoon, he did an ultrasound and said that my uterine lining was still too thick for him to be sure that this was an actual period. And it had come 6-8 days earlier than it should have so he thought it might be a baby implanting. He said that I might be pregnant and that he still wanted me to go for the blood test on Friday. So, we had a small inkling of hope return. Small... but it was there. And we called our families again and said "just kidding... maybe." But the bleeding continued and got worse. I knew. Though I really wanted to believe in a miracle. I suppose now, it's just not time for our little miracle yet.

The ultrasound revealed 2 new cysts on my ovaries. The medicine "the wheaties" overstimulated my ovaries and the follicles became cysts. So, we have to sit this month out. We knew this was a possibility. So, now we will wait for the cysts to go away. I'll probably start taking some other medicine to help that happen.

For those of you prayer peeps out there, here's my request:
I'm tired. Though I know it's not time to give up on the medical side of this. This last little part of the race has exhausted me for a time. I need a refreshing from the Lord. I need to know that He is with us. And we are sad. Grieving what could have been. And what has not yet come. Hope deferred one more time. Pray for endurance, character, hope.

On the bright side: Felipe and I are in love. And we feel this bringing us closer. I feel God bringing us closer to Himself. For the next month, I will thank God that I get to do all the things that I couldn't do if I were pregnant like: take really hot baths, eat deli meat, drink wine, lift heavy things (well, watch Felipe lift heavy things and pretend that I can't lift them), and not be nauseas!!

We are so thankful to everyone who prays, waits and hopes with us. Thank you for your excitement and your sadness for us. And thank you for your hope. I'll keep you posted.

I was reminded today of a quote, ironically from the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin who plays Gil.

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.

Gil: Oh?

Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!

Gil: What a great story.

Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

At the end of G-ma's story, Gil looks at her like she's crazy. But his wife says she thinks Grandma is a genius!