the roller coaster goes upside down

So, we got the awaited call a little while ago.
We are not pregnant.

This week's roller coaster ride has taken more turns than we would have liked. After the last few days, we expected the result to be negative.

On Tuesday evening, I started what we thought was my period. Felipe and I cried and grieved and told our families. On Wednesday morning, I called the doctor and he wanted to see me that day. Wednesday afternoon, he did an ultrasound and said that my uterine lining was still too thick for him to be sure that this was an actual period. And it had come 6-8 days earlier than it should have so he thought it might be a baby implanting. He said that I might be pregnant and that he still wanted me to go for the blood test on Friday. So, we had a small inkling of hope return. Small... but it was there. And we called our families again and said "just kidding... maybe." But the bleeding continued and got worse. I knew. Though I really wanted to believe in a miracle. I suppose now, it's just not time for our little miracle yet.

The ultrasound revealed 2 new cysts on my ovaries. The medicine "the wheaties" overstimulated my ovaries and the follicles became cysts. So, we have to sit this month out. We knew this was a possibility. So, now we will wait for the cysts to go away. I'll probably start taking some other medicine to help that happen.

For those of you prayer peeps out there, here's my request:
I'm tired. Though I know it's not time to give up on the medical side of this. This last little part of the race has exhausted me for a time. I need a refreshing from the Lord. I need to know that He is with us. And we are sad. Grieving what could have been. And what has not yet come. Hope deferred one more time. Pray for endurance, character, hope.

On the bright side: Felipe and I are in love. And we feel this bringing us closer. I feel God bringing us closer to Himself. For the next month, I will thank God that I get to do all the things that I couldn't do if I were pregnant like: take really hot baths, eat deli meat, drink wine, lift heavy things (well, watch Felipe lift heavy things and pretend that I can't lift them), and not be nauseas!!

We are so thankful to everyone who prays, waits and hopes with us. Thank you for your excitement and your sadness for us. And thank you for your hope. I'll keep you posted.

I was reminded today of a quote, ironically from the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin who plays Gil.

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.

Gil: Oh?

Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!

Gil: What a great story.

Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

At the end of G-ma's story, Gil looks at her like she's crazy. But his wife says she thinks Grandma is a genius!

Good Friday

Hello friends. I just wanted to acknowledge the day on my blog. May the Lord bless you as we remember his sacrifice and love today.

Grace to you.

the lady continues waiting...

And it's a peaceful wait. I haven't had to go to the doctor in 5 days! Woo Hoo! The last few weeks have been full of dr. appointments every couple of days. It's nice to not have to go. And it's nice knowing that we can't know anything for a little while.

My sister-in-law, Deborah, is the sweetest thing. She's so nervous for us. And excited, anxious, and beside herself with hope. Throughout this process, every time I've had an appointment that would determine our path, she prays and prays and has butterflies in her stomach all day. She'll call: "Have you been to the doctor yet?" I say, "No, not 'til 2:30." Deborah: (Deep Sigh) "I'm so nervous I can't stand it. I've been praying all day! Please call me as soon as you know!" So, needless to say, this 2 weeks of waiting is hard for Deborah. Every time we have one of these conversations, I smile b/c I usually feel very peaceful at those times. I think, "How beautiful is it that God has given my sister-in-law, and many others, a little piece of my burden." And she willingly carries it for me. She is by no means having serious battles with anxiety or stress... but just carrying a small piece of what God is giving her for me. And she's beautifully innocent about it.

I've gotten many emails and messages letting me know that people are praying. And that you're reading the blog! :) Thanks.

At this point, if we do have a little sprout, it's called a zygote. And it's floating around looking for a home in the lining of the uterus. In my anatomy class right now, ironically we are learning about the reproductive system. And I find it hilarious that even after everything I've been through and the comfort level I've had to find to talk about all these things, I still feel 14 years old when my professor says the word "gonad" with a straight face. Go ahead, say it out loud and see! Jess, a girl in my class, and I look at each other and just smile, faces turn red and we try not to laugh. These are funny things.

So on that note, (I don't know how to recover)...

Find your home little sprout(s)!!

lady in waiting...

The two procedures went very well. The doctor did an ultrasound yesterday and said that the 3 eggs from the right side (the ones we were counting on) have all released. Yay! However, there are 2-3 from the left side that did not release (as of yesterday at 11am). And they've grown causing me a considerable amount of pain. I kept praying for them to release just so that they don't become cysts :( This morning, the pain has lessened considerably, so hopefully they are outta there! It's of course not natural for the body to produce 7 mature eggs in one month... I mean, that's a whole litter! But that's what these meds do, right?.

A little reflection on our journey into the world of infertility treatments:
Four years ago when I stepped into this journey, I never guessed that one day I'd be where I am now. And two years ago, when we got married and started trying to conceive, I had many strong opinions about what to do and how people should treat infertility. Honestly, I judged others who were walking through it and were making decisions I thought to be "faithless" or "unethical" and a little "sci-fi." Sometimes, just like with the treatments of other diseases these procedures still feel "sci-fi." It's just not supposed to be like this. Conception is supposed to be intimate, private, certainly without doctors!

Many people have asked us questions about our decisions. And many others have them, but haven't asked. I certainly don't expect everyone to completely agree with us or understand fully. I still question in my own heart some of the decisions others make in their own walk to parenthood. Though, I no longer have strong opinions. I don't know the answers anymore. We do our best to listen to God. And follow Him without doubt, without hesitation.

The longer I walk through this, I realize how unnatural it is for a woman not to be able to conceive. And how evil it is to have a disease in the place where Eve brings forth life. It is natural to fight to destroy the disease. To fight for our hearts to be free. And to fight for our children, whether they be our own biological ones or not.

On facebook, I did the "#25 things." Here are 2 random facts I wrote about this:

12. I know more than I ever thought I would about reproduction and women's health. I'm certainly not a professional on the subject nor do I consider myself a guru, but more friends call me to ask questions about this subject! In the last few years, I've visited at least 6 different doctor types about my own fertility (including a nurse specialist in Omaha, a wholistic/chiropractor, and an acupuncturist), been poked and prodded for tests far more than I would have liked, had 3 surgeries, been to the gyno with 4 other friends about their own stuff, read a couple of books, tried weird diets, been to 2 different Natural Family Planning classes (I have my own consultant), been a birthing coach and saw my beautiful nephew and neice being born, seriously considered becoming a doula or a midwife, and passed out books to my college students about why the pill sucks and why you should think so too! I'm sure there's more.

17. I regularly research adoption on the internet. This is also one of my great desires. Did you know that you can adopt other people's frozen embryos! In TX right now there are 391 children (many sibling groups, older children and special needs kiddos) free for adoption and hundreds more are in the system... getting ready to be adoptable. I'm so far unclear as to whether Americans can adopt Turkish infants, but I'll find out. I'm currently researching adoption of African American children here in TX. And I know someone who can help you go through an adoption in Brazil!

I thought I'd share some of that for those who wonder.
We know for some it's difficult to process. It is for us too.

Yet, today, we are waiting, hoping for our little warriors to find their home in my womb! May they find life and safely snuggle in!
Thank you for hoping with us!!

a sigh of relief...

We go today for the first IUI! Yay! Yesterday, I was a nervous wreck. The night before, we ran out of the injectable "Wheaties" and we were supposed to have one more dose (long story about a mix-up with a nurse). The "Wheaties" are supposed to keep the little eggs growing and keep them from releasing on their own. Timing is very important you know! When I finally got in to see the doctor yesterday and he did the ultrasound showing the little guys still in place, I let out a huge sigh of relief. He looked at me and said, "It's okay, it's over now. No more stressing!" For some reason, his words were very comforting.

I had dinner with two friends last night who have both been trying to conceive for several years now. We talked about the fight to continually renew the mind to trust in Jesus. Yesterday, that was my constant conversation with the Lord. I want to trust You. In the end, the wanting is all I had. I was afraid. Yet still, I feel in my heart that the wanting is beautiful to Him. One day, we'll see Him face to face and the Wanting will be over. One day.

The IUI's will take place today at 5:30pm and tomorrow at 10:30am. There is more than one egg mature enough to make it! Three to be exact. He gave me an ultrasound picture of the eggs! I thought that would fun, right? Who gets to have a picture of their kids with only half their DNA? Please pray with us for the next couple of weeks. If the eggs conceive they have an 8-12 day journey to implant securely into the womb, their home for the next 9 months! We won't know anything for 2-3 weeks. Statistically, an IUI gives us a 25% chance of getting pregnant. With God, it's zero or 100% right? Please pray for His mercy. And for His little warriors (our kids!) to be sent to us.

Thank you so much for praying.

what's one more day?

The little eggs aren't big enough yet. I had an ultrasound this morning and they're still a wee bit small. So, one more day of injectable "Wheaties" and they should be big and strong! The IUI's should now take place on Friday and Saturday. Keep growing little fellas!

I didn't sleep well last night. I'm nervous, excited, anxious.

I had the thought yesterday that I've wanted the eggs of course to conceive and become life and then to hold on for dear life! But I realized yesterday that that is not at all what I want for my children. My prayer for this process is that they would be able to hide in the shadow of the Almighty. That He would ease their entry into this world with Love, Joy, and Without Pain and Struggle. Let the struggle be ours... to fight for our children and to cast our cares upon the Father. Please pray for us over the next few days. Please ask for the Lord's mercy.