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| A little bold in the title, right!? |
In great contradiction to the title above, here's #2:
I am NOT in control!
No matter how hard I try, no matter how many things I do to help this womb become the best little incubator on the planet, I can't do it. And believe me I've tried. I've been to 3 doctors, 2 holistic practitioners, been on countless herbs, medicines and diets. I've been dairy-free, gluten-free, chocolate-free, sugar-free, carb-free, caffeine and alcohol-free! Oh yeah, and we tried a yeast-free diet once! All that, and I gained 40 pounds in the process! I've been massaged and acupunctured! I've even rolled a rolling pin up my leg while having castor oil on my abdomen supposedly to get blood to my ovaries! And I've Taken Charge of my Fertility! I've done the best treatments that science has to offer! I've prayed, I've surrendered, I've been anointed with oil, and I've been through healing prayer to find that "inner psychological wound" that's causing my body to not work! Sheesh!
What I'm not saying is that all of the above was for naught. Some of those things were great for my health and well-being along the way. But through most of it, I was simply reaching for control. Along this journey, there are so many things that I had no power over... my cycle, cysts growing continuously, the right timing, the dumb negative sign on that stick! There was just no control. And I wanted it so badly! It would send me into a panic.
And now, what I'm learning is that feeling of control is just an illusion. The only thing I do have a tiny bit of power over is how I choose to respond to this most horrible tragedy in my life. Don't get me wrong, I made many choices to sit, wallow, throw full on 2 year-old tantrums, and sulk in my own pity. But... I also made some choices to worship even in sorrow, to be honest with God and confess my anger and rage, and to give thanks. And letting go of my earthly fate, dying to my own will, and choosing to believe that God is with me, has been water to my thirsty soul. All that sounds really great and easy when I write it down all pretty right? I don't really know how I got to this place of just accepting that I'm not in control. But I did get here. And my heart is much more peaceful than it once was.
And now, what I'm learning is that feeling of control is just an illusion. The only thing I do have a tiny bit of power over is how I choose to respond to this most horrible tragedy in my life. Don't get me wrong, I made many choices to sit, wallow, throw full on 2 year-old tantrums, and sulk in my own pity. But... I also made some choices to worship even in sorrow, to be honest with God and confess my anger and rage, and to give thanks. And letting go of my earthly fate, dying to my own will, and choosing to believe that God is with me, has been water to my thirsty soul. All that sounds really great and easy when I write it down all pretty right? I don't really know how I got to this place of just accepting that I'm not in control. But I did get here. And my heart is much more peaceful than it once was.
1 comment:
Powerful! I remember when I knelt for the first time before the Lord and wept to Him in surrender (after many tantrums about infertility):)and said, "My body is not my own."
The Lord was there in great peace and power! I remember one tantrum when I got a call about being chosen by a birthmother. I pulled the car over and began beating the steering wheel crying out to Him, "Why won't my body just work! Then I wouldn't have to be at the mercy of this other person! (control) Then Jesus said with all tenderness-"You are never at the mercy of others, but you are always at MY MERCY."
There are "experiences" that the Lord has denied me. I see this as the "cross" I pick up and carry. A cross that makes me like Him. So, I say to Christ the words of Hannah's husband-"Thou art better to me than 10 sons!" :)
Blessings,
Cheryl
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