getting started!!!

This morning Felipe gave me the first of many to come injections! It's strange to be excited about that fact :) But I am. It means that we are getting started with the IVF process and in a matter of weeks, we could be pregnant. I got an ultrasound yesterday and that dumb cyst is still there. But the doctor thinks it won't cause any more problems. Let's all hope and pray for that to be the case.

So, I will get these injections for the next week or so, then as long as all is going well, I will begin getting a second injection starting next Friday. Then we'll be able to see the eggs growing. Smile.

Several people have asked me how I'm feeling about the process. You know, it's kind of hard to say, but I'll try. I feel hopeful, and a little anxious about the process. I feel sober that I don't know what will happen. And I feel peaceful about that fact. Today, anyways. I know that we could get pregnant through IVF and we might not. I think I may have written before that in the last few months, there has been some kind of surrendering process in my heart and soul. I no longer shake my fist at God and say "You better do this or else!" I'm barely beginning to trust him ever so slightly more and say, "I know you love me and I know you have good things for me." Without having my own plan for what the "good things" are. It sounds so simple in words on the computer. But it feels very powerful in my heart and mind... deep in my gut. Learning to sit in the mysteries and trusting. Jesus is King and yet Another rules in this world today.
Only for now.
Come Lord Jesus!

Here's what's on my mind today:

Proverbs 30: 15-16
Three things are never satisfied;
four never say, "Enough":
Sheol, the barren womb,
the land never satisfied with water,
and the fire that never says, "Enough."

Isaiah 54 (an excerpt from The Message)
"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth!
You're ending up with far more children
than all those childbearing women." God says so!
"Clear lots of ground for your tents!
Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!
Use plenty of rope,
drive the tent pegs deep.
You're going to need lots of elbow room
for your growing family.
You're going to take over whole nations;
you're going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don't be afraid—you're not going to be embarrassed.
Don't hold back—you're not going to come up short.
You'll forget all about the humiliations of your youth,
and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory.
For your Maker is your bridegroom,
his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!
Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel,
known as God of the whole earth.

BTW: in case you didn't see the previous post, in it I included some specific prayer requests for all you prayer peeps. Thank you so much.

the wait draws to a close...

I got a call yesterday from my IVF nurse and she said we are ready to get started. Woo Hoo! Felipe and I will go in to the office next Tuesday for a sonogram (just to make sure the cyst is still shrinking and there's nothing new, we pray God). Then Felipe and I will meet with the nurse to go over all the details and for him to get a refresher course on giving his wife injections. :( Next Wednesday we will start the first medication. About a week later we will start the second medication which will be the "stimulation" phase of this process. The 2nd medication will stimulate the eggs in my ovaries to maturity. Wow, as I write all of this, I'm getting excited to just get started! I've done my best to prepare myself for the physical and emotional toll of "the process." And now, I'm just excited.

We need and would like your prayers as we go through this process. As I say often, we know we do not walk alone. I believe that prayer has sustained us over the last couple of years. I know God has been so gracious to us.

Here are a few specific things that we'd like prayer for:
1. That my body would continue to prepare for this process over the next 2 weeks: that my womb would grow stronger and that no cysts or endometrosis will grow and that what is there would diminish completely.
2. That Felipe and I be restful and not anxious during this time. That the peace of God would be in our hearts and minds. And that we would be very intentional about resting. Please pray for me that I would not stress.
3. That each step along the way be "successful." Each phase of the process prepares the way for the next, so we pray for my eggs to be strong, for life to concieve and then implant and remain in my uterus.
4. We call upon our Merciful Father and ask for life, for a baby... or two :) We would happily welcome twins.

Thank you all so much.

Take that you little cyst!!

For the last 2 weeks I've done everything I know to do to get rid of a cyst... seriously, it's been quite humorous! I've been to acupuncture and followed all their recommendations including: taking herbs, putting Castor oil on my belly while sitting with a heating pad, and rolling a rolling pin up my leg for 5 minutes 3 times a day. Along with that I've been praying and even went to theophostic prayer just for the cyst! And I'm still on the birth control pill. I guess when you've had this many cysts, you'll try it all right!? Though I still believe it's God alone who is the Healer.

And He is healing me. As of last Friday, the cyst has shrunk!! It's now small enough for us to get started with the In Vitro (IVF) process.

So, what the heck is IVF?
IVF is a 6-8 week process where they will remove mature eggs from my ovaries and fertilize them with sperm outside of the womb (in vitro), watch them develop over a couple of days and return them to my uterus. The process is quite strenous for us, especially for me physically. Technically, since I've already been on the birth control pills we have already started the process, since the first step is to supress the women's current cycle. In a couple of weeks (due to the IVF lab being closed for 2 weeks) I will start taking 2 daily injections of medicine (one to stimulate the growth of the eggs and one to keep my ovaries from releasing the eggs). When they are ready, I will take a different medication to "trigger" ovulation. Then the eggs will be surgically removed and fertilized. After a couple of days, the embryos will be returned to my uterus in hopes of implantation occuring.

If you'd like more info, please check out this site from the Texas Fertility Center: http://www.txfertility.com/ivf-program/overview.html If you look on the IVF/Advanced Options section, we are currently in the suppression phase.

The IVF nurse is currently making a "schedule" to follow and next week, she'll tell us when to start the injections. Please pray for us as we prepare for this process emotionally, physically and financially.

We feel much peace surrounding this next step. One day, while I was in prayer I saw a picture that gave me lots of comfort around this seemingly "sci-fi" procedure. I saw a row of petri dishes with little eggs in them. And I saw the Lord's hands over the dishes protecting them. I heard him say to my heart: "Trust me with My children. I bring life where I bring life and I don't bring life where I don't. Trust me." I know He is taking care of us and he will take care of His children.

Thank you everyone for your prayers.

the waiting game...

Over the last couple of weeks, Felipe and I have been doing lots of talking, lots of listening to each other and to God, and a bit of research on the 2 options before us: adoption and IVF. And we feel as though we've made a decision. We make our plans, but it will be the Lord who directs our path. I won't go into everything we've considered in order to make this decision, but I will say our deliberation has been laborious and we now feel at peace. We would like to go forward with the In Vitro Fertilization process.

Last week, we met with my doctor and brought him a list of about 20 questions. He patiently answered each one in a manner that left us feeling more confident about the process and what all is involved for our potential children and for me. After our conversation, he did another ultrasound. The one last cyst remains and has not shrunk. The dr. said he would like to see the cyst shrink a little more. I'll remain on the medicine I'm taking now for another 2 weeks. Then if it's not decreased in size, we'll try one other medication. If the cyst is not gone in 2 weeks, we are looking at another couple of months of waiting, waiting. ;) Felipe and I have an ongoing joke that at the end of almost every doctor's appointment for the last couple of years, the doctor walks out of the room and one us looks at the other and says: "Wait." So, last week was no different. We wait.

We will see the doctor again on Friday and will have a better idea of when we can get started. I'll keep you posted. In the mean time, please pray for this cyst to dissolve completely!! And for our hearts to wait patiently for what is to come next.

feleighpe's excellent ISRAEL adventures

I'll give some highlights of our trip here on the blog. If you'd like to see all the pictures of our adventures, please click the web album link below. Enjoy!!
http://picasaweb.google.com/leigheadams



Felipe and I spent 2 weeks in Israel with his Mom. I had never been before, but Felipe has been several times. Rita, Felipe's mom, has an apartment in Jerusalem and she spends a couple of months out of the year there. She has been going to Israel for the last 15 years and has fallen in love with the people and the land. We had our own personal tour guide!!

Our first stop: Jerusalem! I was excited about our trip, but didn't anticipate the emotional response I would have to being there. When we got off the plane in Tel Aviv, there was a big sign saying welcome to Israel and I teared up a bit. I didn't feel especially moved or anything, but something in me physically responded to just being there. As we drove into Jerusalem that first day, I just knew there is something special about this place. It's beautiful, ancient, modern.


Jerusalem: we ate amazing foods: cheeses, wines, shwarma, hummus! We toured the old city and the markets. We saw all the diversity of the city with Orthodox Jews, Arabs, Muslims, Americans (which we saw many), and modern living Israelis all sharing the same ancient streets. We arrived on Shabbat (Sabbath), so most of Jerusalem was shut down until sunset. Then we saw the streets fill with people. This was our first night in Jerusalem:


We visited the Western Wall where Jews go to leave their prayers. The wall is the closest place that Jews will go to the Temple Mount. They write their prayers and leave them at the wall. We left ours there as well. I cried there too just thinking of the Jewish people being separated from knowing their Messiah


We visited lots of the Holy Sites of Christianity: the place where Jesus wept over the city of Jerusalem, the Holy Sepulcher Church, Gethsemane. I find it amusing that everywhere something important is thought to have happened, there is now a church. Which is better than a McDonald's or something :) But most of the churches don't seem to function as actual places of worship. They may, but it didn't feel that way. Most of them function as museums and places that make a little money over the history of the site. Though each one holds significance and beauty.

One of my favorite places we visited in Jerusalem was Succat Hillel, one of the 2 houses of prayer in the city. We walked in the door and I could tell that we shared some similar DNA with these Christians. It felt like home and I didn't even talk to anyone for the first 30 minutes we were there. I just knew... they feel what we feel over this city and the nations of the world. God is good and He is moving all over the Earth!! This is the only sign at the entrance:


We also visited with a Christian family who lives in the only Christian Kibbutz in Jerusalem. They are a beautiful young couple who have kiddo #6 on the way. They have chosen to live within radical community (a Kibbutz) b/c they know together they can accomplish so much more in Israel than if they lived separately. Living Kibbutz-style gives them many privileges and opportunities than they would not otherwise have. While we were with them, the children and mom sang a song for us.
Felipe and I left Jerusalem for a few days to go into Egypt and join a group to go on a scuba diving safari in the Red Sea!! We did a 3-day live-aboard with 15 Israelis, 8 Egyptian Muslims, 4 Bulgarians and us!! It was amazing... most important to note that we were all living peacefully enjoying God's spectacular underwater creation! It was fabulous!! Felipe is so cute in all his gear!


We spent one night in Elat, the beach town on the southern border of Israel, after our Safari. We stayed in a quaint little hostel that was perfect. We happened to be there on the Global Day of Prayer so we didn't know of any large gatherings occuring there. Felipe printed out the prayers being prayed around the world that day and we sat on the coast of Elat overlooking the borders of Jordan and Egypt and prayed for the world. It was a significant time to pray right there.


After we got back from Elat, Felipe, Rita and I went on a 4-day tour of the Galilee, the northern part of Israel surrounding the Sea of Galilee, which is really just a lake :) It was beautiful! We stayed in a quaint and lovely Kibbutz overlooking the Sea, we visited 2 artist villages, we went to the towns of Haifa, Tiberias and several others. It is definitely the most scenic parts of the land... lots of farming. We also went to Capernaum, the Church of the Beatitudes where the Sermon on the Mount was preached, we saw an ancient boat from 2000 years ago. Lots to see!!


So, there is a lot more, way too much for this setting. Please take a look at our photo album if you'd like. http://picasaweb.google.com/leigheadams It tells lots more! Thanks for reading.

we are at a crossroads...

We got back from Israel this last Monday. It was a wonderful trip, which I'll write more about later and send out a link to our pictures. Honestly, it was nice to have a little break from the decisions that awaited us at home... though for me the heart ache and joy that come with those decisions tend to linger. I sometimes am annoyed by men's (or my husband's) ability to compartmentalize. But sometimes, I think it's a gift... one that keeps them steady.

We saw my doctor on Thursday and the final cyst on my ovary has shrunk to half its size! That's great news! The medicine is working and he expects the cyst to go away. He told us that it is small enough now that my body is ready to go forward with In Vitro fertilization. He has told us that this is probably our only chance of conceiving. In Vitro is a process where they surgically remove the eggs and fertilize them in a lab and then put them back into the uterus. I have several friends who have done it and now have babies! It can be a wonderful thing for parents who can't concieve on their own.

I told Dr. Silverberg that we are just not sure if we are going to try it. Right now, Felipe and I are deciding between in vitro or adoption. We feel the spiritual and physical importance of this decision. And the glorious weight of the calling to be parents, whether by in vitro or by adopting a child to be our own. I think for a while, we were waiting on some angel from heaven or glorious vision to show us the way. Now that someone is asking us for an answer, we are reminded that we walk by faith (sometimes including glorious visions and sometimes including steps of faith into the unknown). So, we have been sobered this week... sobered into the reality of actually making a decision, weighing the options, asking God for peace and courage to step into our fears, and faith... which honestly feels more like courage right now.

We have read packets of information on in vitro from varying perspectives and brainstormed as to how we might fund either choice. We may attend an info seminar on the topic in July. We have been reading about adoption and praying for God's clear direction. I'm looking for good books. The internet is so useful! We are attending an information meeting on adoption this Tuesday evening at an agency here in Austin and I'm researching other agencies.

Mostly, we want to be open to God's leading. We want to lay down what could have been or what might be. We've never been here before. And you know what? It's not as scary as I would have thought. He goes with us to the heights and also to the depths. He does not leave us.

Felipe came home the other day with a verse on his heart for us:
"Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance." Phil 1:18-19

We trust God is doing a deep work in us. And today we stand at a crossroads, reminding us of Felipe's favorite poem. Please pray for us to find our path of faith.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-- Frost

We saw the doctor on Friday. The cyst remains and has not changed at all. :( He said it still looks like a clot. Since we are leaving town for two weeks, I'll stay on the pill in hopes of something changing and things not getting worse. He said our next step is to have a discussion about what comes next. He said we could continue to "piddle around with IUI's and hope for the best." He reminded us that my endometriosis is very severe and it just probably won't work. He's the leading specialist in Central Texas. He writes books about endometriosis. We are growing to trust him and we don't take his words lightly. There is one other treatment we could try. It's invasive, intense, and expensive. And it would give us a much greater chance for a child (or two). I've never wanted to do it. The nurse gave me some literature about it the other day and as she handed it to me, I felt a wave of grief come over me. I almost broke down right there in the office. I just never thought it would come to this. That we'd reach this point and not have a child. At this point, we just aren't sure what's next. There is a lot to think about. And there is grief.

I'm having a difficult time. My hormones and moods remain "crazy." I'm tired. At each turn in this journey when I just don't think I have what it takes to keep going, the Good Shepherd arrives on the scene and gives me new grace, new peace, new courage... greater than it was just moments before. So I know He's Coming! As I read a friend's blog this morning (about her own journey of infertility) I was reminded that each thing God is doing in our lives is Good and Right for us in that moment. I am learning to trust Him more deeply. I've never known this depth of pain... and yet, God is real and trustworthy in it. I didn't know that before.

Please pray for us over the next couple of weeks as we pray to discern what is next. Pray for the fullness of surrender in our hearts. That we would completely relinquish this to God. I feel us holding on. And pray that we'd be refreshed and renewed in Israel. And that my hormones would calm way down!! It's bad. :) In a "it's not funny anymore" kind of way.

Thank you sweet friends and family. We know we do not walk alone.