We got back from Israel this last Monday. It was a wonderful trip, which I'll write more about later and send out a link to our pictures. Honestly, it was nice to have a little break from the decisions that awaited us at home... though for me the heart ache and joy that come with those decisions tend to linger. I sometimes am annoyed by men's (or my husband's) ability to compartmentalize. But sometimes, I think it's a gift... one that keeps them steady.
We saw my doctor on Thursday and the final cyst on my ovary has shrunk to half its size! That's great news! The medicine is working and he expects the cyst to go away. He told us that it is small enough now that my body is ready to go forward with In Vitro fertilization. He has told us that this is probably our only chance of conceiving. In Vitro is a process where they surgically remove the eggs and fertilize them in a lab and then put them back into the uterus. I have several friends who have done it and now have babies! It can be a wonderful thing for parents who can't concieve on their own.
I told Dr. Silverberg that we are just not sure if we are going to try it. Right now, Felipe and I are deciding between in vitro or adoption. We feel the spiritual and physical importance of this decision. And the glorious weight of the calling to be parents, whether by in vitro or by adopting a child to be our own. I think for a while, we were waiting on some angel from heaven or glorious vision to show us the way. Now that someone is asking us for an answer, we are reminded that we walk by faith (sometimes including glorious visions and sometimes including steps of faith into the unknown). So, we have been sobered this week... sobered into the reality of actually making a decision, weighing the options, asking God for peace and courage to step into our fears, and faith... which honestly feels more like courage right now.
We have read packets of information on in vitro from varying perspectives and brainstormed as to how we might fund either choice. We may attend an info seminar on the topic in July. We have been reading about adoption and praying for God's clear direction. I'm looking for good books. The internet is so useful! We are attending an information meeting on adoption this Tuesday evening at an agency here in Austin and I'm researching other agencies.
Mostly, we want to be open to God's leading. We want to lay down what could have been or what might be. We've never been here before. And you know what? It's not as scary as I would have thought. He goes with us to the heights and also to the depths. He does not leave us.
Felipe came home the other day with a verse on his heart for us:
"Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance." Phil 1:18-19
We trust God is doing a deep work in us. And today we stand at a crossroads, reminding us of Felipe's favorite poem. Please pray for us to find our path of faith.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.