The big day is approaching...

This Thursday is the day that we will go and get our little buddy! I'm growing in excitement as I think about being able to be in his/her presence. Along with that, I definitely feel the injustice of the situation (that this is not the ideal of circumstances). Embryos are supposed to be formed and immediately grow in their mother's womb. It is a grief for us that our little embryo has not had that up to this point. The Enemy has done much to keep this little life from existing, from thriving.

Our story has been different from the ideal, that's for sure. Recently someone was telling me how they see that I am different because of going through this and that it is something that will mark my life forever. I responded to my friend and said, "I feel as though my heart has been branded." Literally, I imagine a metal branding iron, red-hot from being in the flames then being deeply pressed onto my heart, searing, smoking, burning, leaving a flesh wound that will scar. That scar I count as a small piece of the Cross; it's a piece of my glory. And I give thanks.

Also recently, I have been so encouraged by the saints. By you, the people around me.

A dear friend of mine from college just recently lost her little boy (whom she was 23 weeks pregnant with). She also spent years trying to conceive and this was her first child. I was unable to attend the memorial service but I just read her husband's speech on their blog. Throughout the entire speech, he gave glory to God and thanked our sweet Father for the life of his son. He recognized that the Father had sacrificed His only Son and he knew that God wept with them. They want to keep walking with God in the midst of deep deep pain. They want to say thank you and not grow bitter.

Last weekend I heard a woman share her story of losing her husband to a terrible long-term illness. Her daughters are in college and have left home. She is alone for the first time in 26 years. She gave honor to God and said how thankful she was for her husband's life. She said how she now wanted to honor the Lord in her singleness. She wants to keep walking with God. She wants to say thank you and not grow bitter.

I met another woman who shared with me that at her first child's dedication (she adopted 2 girls after not being able to conceive) she told the Lord that He had "fulfilled her barrenness." I saw on her face that she felt completely satisfied in the Lord. She still carried her scar. But she felt peace and joy. And she gave thanks and was not bitter.

Another friend of mine from college (who also has been trying to conceive for several years) has just gotten pregnant with triplets!!! That's right!!! It calls for 3 exclamation points each time!!!

It's amazing and yet could be very scary. She and her husband are rejoicing and giving thanks... and laughing with God for these little miracles.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing these things. These people have greatly encouraged me recently and I guess I just want to pay it forward. The gospel is real. Jesus is real. And He's coming back for us! Alleluia!

So, the next 2 weeks are our days to wait on the Lord, to pray for our little baby, and to trust in His goodness. We have 3 main requests that we ask you to pray.

1) That our little one would survive and be protected through the preparation process he has to go through.

2) That our little one would be guided by the Lord to the lining of my uterus and implant strongly. That he would get everything he needs from the Father to go through this process. And that my body would be prepared and do everything it needs to do to help him along.

3) That Felipe and I would get everything we need from the Father to joyfully walk this journey. That we wouldn't miss one thing He has for us.

Thank you dear friends. May we fall on His mercy to keep walking, give thanks, and not grow bitter.

we are loved...

hello friends and familee!

As some of you know, this past weekend I had the opportunity to go on a Tres Dias retreat. Tres Dias is unlike any retreat or conference I've ever attended. I really didn't know what it would be like when I went. I knew that I would hear a series of talks about the Christian life and my prayer for the weekend was to be spurred on. God answered. What I didn't know about the weekend is how many ways God and the team would surprise me with expressions of Love. And I didn't know that some of you would surprise me either with your amazing notes and letters. I am overwhelmed... literally brought to tears by your words, Love and prayers. Thank you so much to each of you who wrote me.

I won't say too much more about the retreat because it is designed with many surprises and I won't ruin it for you. I'll just say if you ever get a chance to go on a Tres Dias retreat (it's all over the country), don't miss it.

I've wanted to write an update for a little while now and just haven't gotten around to it. We are drawing nearer to the embryo transfer day, which will happen on November 5th, a week from Thursday. I'm still taking shots of Lupron as well as oral doses of Estradiol (estrogen). In the last week, I have started getting migraines again. I have gotten them every time I have taken Lupron. Sadly to say I had a headache 3 of the 4 days of my retreat but I was still able to remain engaged for the most part. Several of these headaches aren't the "I'll take some advil and it will be gone" kind of headaches. These are the "I've taken 2 doses of Vicoden and I still feel like my head will explode and I'm going to throw up" kind of headaches. Sorry to be graphic, but now you get the picture.

The last cycle, I was only on Lupron for about 2 weeks and the headaches only lasted a few days. I've now been on Lupron since October 10th and I have about 10 days to go. If the headaches last that long, I'll survive and it will be okay. But man, it would be nice if they didn't right!? We are praying and ask you to join us that they will go away. They are being caused by the extreme shift in hormones, so we are praying for my hormones to stabilize.

I also want to tell you that I went in for another sonogram last week and now a 3rd (of the 4) cysts I had has disappeared! So, now only one remains. We are very happy about that.

We ask for your prayers:

1) that my body would be made ready for our little buddy to reside there for 9 months.

2) that our child's life would be protected next week as they get him ready to be put into my uterus... that God would put a shield of protection around his little life and make him (or her :) very strong.

3) that Felipe and I would receive everything we need from the Father to continue this journey and that we would receive the fullness of all He has to give us through it.

Thank you so much. We love and appreciate you our brothers and sisters.

Here we go...

On Saturday, we started the process of preparing my body for the second embryo transfer (i.e... going back for our little embryo). I got an ultrasound on Friday and the two cysts we were waiting on are now small enough to continue. Not totally gone, but not a total nuisance either. I don't think I've updated in a while, so here's a little refresher: after the first IVF cycle I had 4 cysts on my ovaries. I started taking medication to get rid of them and within a month 2 were gone completely. Within 10 days of that the other 2 had shrunk. So now we can get going.

Felipe started giving me injections again and then in a few days I'll start a series of medications to prepare my body for the transfer. Basically, they are waiting on me to be in the right part of my cycle and they are preparing my uterus for the little buddy.

As you know, we experienced a great loss last month losing our two little embryos. So, the beginning of this IVF cycle is different from the first. We are hopeful. Yet, we are sober. Honestly, I feel a lot calmer as we step into this one. We now know what it feels like for this to not end with a baby in our lives. And we have experienced peace and joy on the other side of death. We know that God is faithful to comfort. Yet, now I want to hope and laugh and rejoice as we walk through this. Please pray for courage for us both. We want to be present to this little life and give to him all that we have to give.

We also ask for your prayers for our little one. This process is more difficult than the first on the embryo. And we know that this is a life. This little embryo has all the potential of becoming a baby. They watched this embryo for a couple of days beyond the others and the cells were dividing beautifully. When the time comes for the transfer to occur (probably the first week of November), they will begin the prep process for the embryo. Please pray for God's protection over this little life... and that my womb would be the perfect place for him to grow.

Thank you all.

the untitled post...

Still not knowing what to say, I think I'll blog a little. That makes sense right?

Start with the facts: we saw the doctor a few weeks ago and discovered that I have 4 new cysts as a result of the IVF process. It's normal for that to happen, especially in endo(metriosis) patients. The Dr. put me back on the birth control pills (re-read the blog from May 10, entitled "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills".) There's no reason to re-write that post, but again it rings true. The birth control pill is the only thing I have ever taken that has actually worked at getting rid of my cysts. So, here we are again. I will see the Dr. on Tuesday to get an ultrasound and check things out.

For the first time in a really long time, I have no weekly appointments to keep up with. I have been going to acupuncture twice a week for almost a year. And I stopped. This month I will only see the dr. twice. This break feels awesome and yet, strange. I have gotten used to my life of "appointments." Though I could very easily get used to a life of no appointments. That's in my future someday!!

One of the things Felipe and I have not shared on the blog yet is that during the last IVF cycle there was one little embryo that grew so big and strong that they saved him for us using cryopreservation. We have one little guy waiting for us to return for him. I say him out of instinct to say him... but it definitely could be her. We are hoping to return for the little one as soon as possible. That being as soon as my body recovers and these cysts go away.

I have lots of emotion about what all has happened and what will happen. I am still grieving the loss of our 2 little ones. Being on crazy pills, it's hard to know what is really happening and what is really hormones and chemicals running their course. I'm now nominating Felipe to be an official SAINT with a cool name and title and everything. San Felipe d' Austin. It works right?

Together we Hope. Not for saint-hood of course, but for the future. We know that our next step is to return for this embryo. Though, to be honest, we are both a little scared by this. I guess this is what people feel like when they "try again" after a miscarriage. Or how people feel after any great loss. With so much disappointment knocking at the back door, hope is scary. I completely understand shutting down and giving up. But we know our God is real. And He is trustworthy. No matter what. I say this without knowing what His exact stance is on our situation. I have no great prophetic word to hold on to. Or any special "knowing" in my heart.

Yet, we press on.

We expect.

We ask.

I have a great love for this little embryo that we go back for. From the moment we learned that he kept growing, I felt a wave of love gush out of me. May God have mercy on us, the parents of this little one. And carry out His perfect will for us all.

We appreciate and ask for your prayers.

PS....

This made me smile today!

http://www.hulu.com/watch/55503/the-office-butt-slap

thank you

I wanted to write and say thank you for all your notes, texts, emails and calls. Even though we haven't responded, we grately appreciate it. We just haven't been up to talking much and don't really know what to say. We know many of you had invested your hopes and prayers into these 2 little ones. Again, we thank you. So many of you have said that you are grieving with us and for us. That means a lot. We feel very loved and not at all alone.

We will see the doctor today to see how my body came through this process (with the cyst on my ovary and all).

We are praying now for peace and rest from above. And also for wisdom for our future.

Thank you friends.

We are not pregnant.

I wanted to let you guys know and ask you to pray for us. Our hearts hurt. We are grieving and are feeling confused. Please pray for the Father's peace and comfort for us.

Thank you all so much for walking with us. And hoping for us.