A Post I Never Published

This was written on April 10, 2010 (a year ago)

I went to the doctor on Tuesday and we have good news! My endometriosis has not grown in the last 4 months! This is a small miracle considering that I've been doing nothing (medically)to treat it. Most of the time, if I'm not treating it, it's growing. So, praise the Lord! This is incredible news for us. It's so tiring trying this treatment and that treatment and changing the hormones in my body every few months. Felipe has never known me without it... so maybe now he's getting to know the real me :). I joke, "maybe I'm not sooo moody!" When I saw the doctor, he asked how I was doing. I said, "Well, I'm only taking one medicine (for thyroid) and I haven't seen you in 4 months! I'm doing great!" He smiled. And on top of that, physically, I feel really good. I still have one ovarian cyst and one small fibroid (tumor), but for now, they are nothing to worry about.

When we finished fertility treatments, I thought it was totally over. But when we went to the doctor in December and found that endometriosis had returned and cysts were growing, it was very disheartening. I look forward to a day without doctors.

I find it completely amazing how my heart has changed through this process. There has to be a God! I mean, we've always wanted to adopt, regardless of what happened. But I didn't know how I would feel if we weren't able to have a baby. I'm the girl who used to follow pregnant women and get lost from my mom in the store. I wanted to be a doula (a birthing assistant), I wanted natural childbirth and the whole nine yards. I actually wanted pregnancy as much as a baby. But, in the surrender of it all, something amazing has happened. I still get that glowing feeling when I see a pregnant girl, but I don't feel the deep pain that I once did. I don't feel envy anymore. I was in a baby store the other day and asked a girl for help in the stroller aisle. Side note: seriously, how many strollers does one person need!? For crying out loud... why are there so many to choose from? I felt so overwhelmed like I do in the tooth paste aisle! Girl at Buy Buy Baby was very helpful. She asked me how old my baby was. I told her with all the giddy-ness I have that I'm adopting!! I feel pregnant, but I'm not nauseas or bloated! Another side note: people used to say things like that to me about adopting... well if you adopt, you won't have to go through birth and all the bad things. Just FYI: only I can say things like that. It's like you can say something about you being overweight, but your friend just shouldn't :) And timing is everything. My heart had to get there. And today, I can look on that side of this.

Walking through the journey of infertility is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, even if I believed in the whole hate-your-enemy-thing. Felipe and I know a pain that I never knew existed. And we are learning the secret of contentment in it. I believe it comes from thankfulness. Now don't get me wrong, I had some shaking my fist at God, cursing him and yelling at Him moments. I was devastated. Yet, in the quiet, when I could force my will, in my darkest hours, through my sobs, I thanked Him. His word tells us to give thanks in ALL things. So, I thanked him for endometriosis. I thanked him for each day we didn't have a baby, for when we got to go on a bike ride without getting a babysitter, for sleeping in, for the pain, for the loss, for our embryos, for our friends and family, and for His sacrifice for us. I thanked Him for the joy I knew would come in the morning... or is it mourning.

The first 3% has come in!!! Thanks!!

As of today, we have 3% of what we need! Pretty amazing! Beginnings matter in the big scheme of things! So, thanks everyone who has been a part of the beginning! See instructions on the left for how to give if you'd like to.

I wrote this somewhere else as well, but I keep thinking of Jesus' stories about stopping for the One. (The one coin, the one sheep, the one lost son who was then found). And how He used these stories to tell us how all of heaven rejoices over one. I keep thinking the One is our story is our baby. It amazes me how our community is stopping for the one.

This baby will be ours because we all stopped. Pretty cool huh? Thank you so much for following us. We are overwhelmed by our first week in this new journey!

Thanks Moriah for the Thermometer...

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Adams' Family Adoption Fundraiser begins...

It's official! We are adopting a baby! Soon!

Here's the scoop:

We have chosen an agency in San Antonio: Abrazo Adoption Associates. We will attend their orientation/training on April 30-May1. On May 11th, we will turn in our paperwork and give them a deposit. Within days (but probably months) we could be matched with a birth mom and be bringing home baby!

We are raising funds for our adoption and we need $24,0o0 by May 11th!

Wow, right!?

If you'd like to donate, you can do that in 1 of 2 ways:

1. Click on the Donate button on the top left of the blog homepage and give with your credit card through our PayPal account.

2. Mail a check (made out to Leigh and Felipe Adams) to our home address: (deleted for now)

I'll be blogging a lot (hopefully) throughout the process so stay tuned for more info. We will be having several fundraising events, so stay tuned for that as well.

For now, here are some answers to FAQ's:

1. What’s all the money for? Why is it so expensive?

Well, in short, adoption is a business. Here is a list broken down: the orientation/training cost, the application fee, the home study, the agency fee (the agency will put hours and hours of work into our lives and into the lives of our birth mom and our baby), the medical costs and assistance to the birth mom (for the most part, the typical birth mom giving her child to adoption has little to no support system and the agency does a lot to help her through this time of crisis in her life), and several different types of legal fees. I’ve come to feel that this is a business that we as Christians should be a part of… whether the numbers sound astronomical or tiny… we need to be in there. And as a community, we can do this. We can adopt babies. Think of it this way… if 240 people give $100, we’re done!

2. When will you get a baby?

The average wait with our agency is 6-12 months. Though, it’s possible to be matched with a birth mom within days of turning in all paperwork and money. She will be at least 7 months pregnant when we get matched with her. So, we don’t really know is the answer.

3. Will you meet and get to know the birth mom?

Hopefully. That’s up to her. We would like to. We are learning a lot about this. Adoption has taken a turn in the last 25 years from mystery and unknowns into a place of honesty and truth. We like that and hope that our child will benefit from it. I'll write more about this later.

4. Do you get to choose boy or girl?

We could. But we are not going to. You didn't get to choose! And God will give us exactly what we need :)

5. International or Domestic?

It's probably clear by now, but domestic. Probably a good ol' Texas baby!! For our first baby, we want the whole experience of a newborn. And we have a heart to bless girls in crisis pregnancies. All that to say, we are growing to love adoption in any form. But for now, we'll be sticking close to home.

6. So, will you get the baby from the hospital?

That's our hope. There are a lot of factors involved with parental rights of both the birth mother and father. As long as they are in agreement to give their child to adoption, then yes, that's usually how it goes.

I'll write more later! Please pray for us and our little one! He or she is probably a little bean already! And please pray for our birth mom and dad. We all need it! Thanks everyone for lovin' on us!

guess what we did yesterday?!!!...

We mailed off our property taxes!

Well, that, and our application to an adoption agency!

Whoo Hoo!

Yup, we are getting started! It's a new season. I completed all the paper work and printed out our pictures as you can see below. What we mailed off is really just the application for the application. We have to get pre-approved by the agency first before they'll let us really start the process. But step number one is completed. If they accept us, we'll go to an orientation in February and then an all day training in March. If all goes well, all of our application process should be done by the summer and we'll be waiting for a birth mom to pick us! Pretty cool.

Fun, huh?!

As you may guess, a lot has been happening in our hearts.

So, what brought us from the last blog post to this one?

After learning that we lost the baby in November, we knew that our journey of fertility treatments was over. To be honest, there was a big sigh of relief. Not a relief to not be pregnant, but a relief that this leg of the journey was over. I felt a huge weight lift off of me. And we grieved.. We were so sad to lose the baby. And to face the fact that our efforts had failed. We would not be conceiving right now.

God has been near. There has been peace in the heart ache. And time has been a balm for our hearts. Over Advent, I began working on a scrapbook of our infertility journey. I'm putting together a collection of all journal entries (beginning with my first journal entry about an ovarian cyst found in 2005), all pictures, cards, emails and notes, and all the blog entries. The scrapbook feels like a book-end to this chapter. Let me tell you though, that we don't feel like the book is finished. Just this chapter of medical treatments.

I can't thank you all enough for praying for us, making us meals, writing us encouraging words, and crying with us. We have felt really supported by our community. We will treasure this time in our hearts forever. I don't want to forget the depths. Though, in my heart something new... a release... a surrender... a new peace has been found. I still ache. But I'm ready to move on. We are ready to move on. We have been praying for weeks about what that would look like.

We have known that adoption was in our future. And lately, God is stirring up something new as well.

Last Sunday, we went to a church to hear Lou Engle, a man who travels the country educating Christians and praying for revival in America. He is a faith-filled man who believes his prayers will come to be. He said he believes that the Church is walking into a new wave of adopting children and helping girls who are in a crisis pregnancy. As he spoke, Felipe and I both felt God moving our hearts. And he gave us a new vision. I knew that there were people in the room feeling the same way we were. I went up to the pastor and asked him to ask the people who felt moved toward adoption to come talk to us. He did... and 27 people (13 families) responded! After the service we got to have a short impromptu meeting with these 13 families about adoption. I'm now staying connected with them as a networker of sorts. My hope is that no one would walk alone down this road. Who knows where this will lead? Pray for us!

We'll keep you updated. And as always, we would appreciate your prayers. And if you know of anyone else considering adoption for the first time, send them our way. We'd love to connect to them.

we are not pregnant....

We got the call a little earlier that the test was negative. We feel sad and are grieving. We also feel God's grace covering us. We both feel a lot of peace and know that He is taking care of us.

Thank you all for praying for us through this journey. We don't know exactly what comes next, but we do know that "Rest" will be a part of it!

Love,

Felipe and Leigh

We got our little buddy!!!

Yay!!! Today was the day! The transfer went very well and our little wee one is now inside my womb! It's been a holy day in our lives that we'll never forget. Tonight, we are overwhelmed with emotion and pretty tuckered out. We are hoping that the next couple of days will be full of rest and chilling out, which we are really good at. We've already watched 2 movies since we got home from the hospital :)

We took a few pics of the day as you can see above (Proud Papa!). That's a picture of our baby in case you can't tell. I think he looks like me.

And below you'll see the rest of the day.

Just arriving at the surgery center getting settled in for our short stay. "Tired" is my new response to how I feel on a daily basis, so I'll take any chance I can get to lay down.

Magazines that kept me occupied while we waited.

Other activities that kept Felipe occupied while we waited! :)

I can't say I've missed this outfit. But if you have to wear it, you might as well wear it well.

This time I got pink footies. Now I have 2 pair!!! I love fuzzy footies!

And don't forget the hat! Or the fact that I have a lot of fun while taking Valium!

(They give it to all the women to help them relax and stay calm during the procedure)

We are both thankful that the day was full of joy!

Here's the before shot of our little buddy!

And here's the after shot of our little buddy inside his/her little Momma!

We thank all of you for your prayers. The doctor and embryologist said that the the embryo looked really good and they expected the best. The embryo was placed inside my uterus and should implant in the uterine wall in the next 24-36 hours. Please pray for this to happen successfully. And that it will stick! We feel very supported by all your prayers, emails and calls/texts. Thank you so much.

The big day is approaching...

This Thursday is the day that we will go and get our little buddy! I'm growing in excitement as I think about being able to be in his/her presence. Along with that, I definitely feel the injustice of the situation (that this is not the ideal of circumstances). Embryos are supposed to be formed and immediately grow in their mother's womb. It is a grief for us that our little embryo has not had that up to this point. The Enemy has done much to keep this little life from existing, from thriving.

Our story has been different from the ideal, that's for sure. Recently someone was telling me how they see that I am different because of going through this and that it is something that will mark my life forever. I responded to my friend and said, "I feel as though my heart has been branded." Literally, I imagine a metal branding iron, red-hot from being in the flames then being deeply pressed onto my heart, searing, smoking, burning, leaving a flesh wound that will scar. That scar I count as a small piece of the Cross; it's a piece of my glory. And I give thanks.

Also recently, I have been so encouraged by the saints. By you, the people around me.

A dear friend of mine from college just recently lost her little boy (whom she was 23 weeks pregnant with). She also spent years trying to conceive and this was her first child. I was unable to attend the memorial service but I just read her husband's speech on their blog. Throughout the entire speech, he gave glory to God and thanked our sweet Father for the life of his son. He recognized that the Father had sacrificed His only Son and he knew that God wept with them. They want to keep walking with God in the midst of deep deep pain. They want to say thank you and not grow bitter.

Last weekend I heard a woman share her story of losing her husband to a terrible long-term illness. Her daughters are in college and have left home. She is alone for the first time in 26 years. She gave honor to God and said how thankful she was for her husband's life. She said how she now wanted to honor the Lord in her singleness. She wants to keep walking with God. She wants to say thank you and not grow bitter.

I met another woman who shared with me that at her first child's dedication (she adopted 2 girls after not being able to conceive) she told the Lord that He had "fulfilled her barrenness." I saw on her face that she felt completely satisfied in the Lord. She still carried her scar. But she felt peace and joy. And she gave thanks and was not bitter.

Another friend of mine from college (who also has been trying to conceive for several years) has just gotten pregnant with triplets!!! That's right!!! It calls for 3 exclamation points each time!!!

It's amazing and yet could be very scary. She and her husband are rejoicing and giving thanks... and laughing with God for these little miracles.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing these things. These people have greatly encouraged me recently and I guess I just want to pay it forward. The gospel is real. Jesus is real. And He's coming back for us! Alleluia!

So, the next 2 weeks are our days to wait on the Lord, to pray for our little baby, and to trust in His goodness. We have 3 main requests that we ask you to pray.

1) That our little one would survive and be protected through the preparation process he has to go through.

2) That our little one would be guided by the Lord to the lining of my uterus and implant strongly. That he would get everything he needs from the Father to go through this process. And that my body would be prepared and do everything it needs to do to help him along.

3) That Felipe and I would get everything we need from the Father to joyfully walk this journey. That we wouldn't miss one thing He has for us.

Thank you dear friends. May we fall on His mercy to keep walking, give thanks, and not grow bitter.