Hope Does Not Disappoint...

I went to a Hope Mommies retreat this past weekend.  Hope Mommies is an organization ministering to the hearts of mother’s that have seen their babies go to heaven ahead of them.  I met 30 other women who are grieving the loss of one or more babies, either through miscarriage or through infant loss.  I heard so many heartbreaking stories.  Stories that would simply undo you.  Stories no one should have to live through.  But stories that Are Being Lived… bravely, courageously, and in community together. 

The theme of this year’s retreat was Marked, knowing that each one of us has been forever marked by this tragedy in our lives.  Marked by death, marked by grief, marked by anger, by empty arms, by the loss of a dream. Marked… together with Christ, sharing in His suffering, bringing His suffering to completion knowing one day we will be with Him again in glory. 

I walked away from this retreat remembering again the answer to a question that I’ve been wrestling with for years.  The question being “Who am I?”  In light of losing these babies, in light of years of battling with fertility issues and losing what once was a place in which I found my identity, in light of it all, who will I be now?  I have been marked.  So what will my mark say about me?   

I have a choice.  My mark can leave me bitter, angry, jealous and just downright hateful.  No one would blame me for it.  They would even understand it.  But choosing that is just not who I am… and nothing close to what I was designed for.  I know this.  God knows this.  And you know this.

I was designed for worship.  And I was designed by and for the Love above all loves.  I simply am not meant to dwell here forever.  I’m made for a different place: an upside down, inside out Kingdom, where what is now unseen will be seen and all the heartache of today will be no more.  A place where my babies are now.  And now, right now, they know this Love face-to-face.  How I long to be with You, too. 

But for today, I do live here.  It hurts; and I will make my choice.  Jesus is true and sure and my heart cries out for Him to come.  In light of this, I choose to be a woman of Hope.  For, “hope does not put us to shame.”  I am and hope to always be a Hope Mommy.  

My Advent Preparations: Part 1

There are several things we are doing around here to prepare for this Advent season.  For instance, we will put up our tree this Friday, instead of fighting the crowds at the mall.  We will have a slow morning and hopefully a slow day in the house together listening to music and eating left overs!

Then starting December 1st, we will begin our newly created Advent Traditions for our family.  Since I didn't grow up celebrating Advent, I've been learning from friends' families, from suggestions on facebook and Pinterest and just searching my heart and scripture for what is truly important.  Here, I'll just list out a couple of things I have done or will be doing this year.

1.  I sent out the 2nd annual email to Lucas' grandparents casting vision for what I'd like his Christmas memories to be about... family gatherings, learning to anticipate Jesus' coming, as well as not bombarding him with every toy a boy could ever want, but certainly does not need.  I gave them a few ideas I have for things that would be helpful and beneficial to him... some toys and some activities... if they felt inclined to donate to :)

2. I've created an Advent Calendar of sorts.  See this post for details.

3.  I stole this idea from this mom.  Because it's a good one.  I'm collecting a children's  Christmas book for each day of Advent.  Lucas will get to unwrap and read one each day.  I've found several at the library and several at Half Price Books.  You'd be surprised how difficult it is to find stories about Jesus rather than Santa, but they are out there!  It wouldn't be fiscally responsible right now for me to buy them all, so we may do a few repeats.  But since repetition of the story is what this is all about... he'll love it!  If you like this idea, the above listed blogger has a huge list of books on that link.  She also has a million more Advent ideas.  I've found a few others books: The Little Drummer Boy by Kristina Redams; Little Porcupine Christmas by Joseph Slate; One Starry Night by Lauren Thompson, Waiting for Christmas by Monica Greenfield; One Winter's Night by Leo and Diane Dillon; The First Night by BG Hennessy; The Christmas Star by Igloo Books and The Christmas Story by Igloo Books.  Just use your own discretion when sharing any story that includes details not directly from the Bible... like the Little Drummer Boy.  But this book made me cry!

A few that I've found so far!

4. We will say our Advent Prayers each night.  When Lucas is with us, we will use this Children's Devotional called Welcome Baby Jesus.  I've never used it before but it looks fun.  We will light our Advent candles and all say things we are thankful for and things we sacrificed that day... like sharing a toy with a friend, or Daddy working longer than he wanted to so that the family will be provided for.  For each thanks and each sacrifice said, we will put a (yet-to-be-created/bought) trinket into a treasure box for Jesus for his birthday.

This all may sound like a lot.  It might be too much.  We will adjust as needed.  But I'm hoping to simply incorporate it all into our daily activities to help us focus our hearts and minds on Christ's coming.  And in the end may we all cry out in a deeper way... "Come Lord Jesus!"

My Advent Preparations Part 2: The Easy Peasy Advent Calendar

Since, I'm doing absolutely nothing to help prepare for the Thanksgiving meal tomorrow, I've been spending my time planning for Advent, "The Arrival".

Part II of this post will focus primarily on our Advent Calendar.

I've been searching and searching for the "appropriate-for-my-family's-needs" Advent Calendar and for activities to include in it.  When I say "appropriate for my family", I mean a lot of things.                  

1. Personality... I'm not the super, crafty, do-it-yourself-er who enjoys all that craftiness and I'm okay with that.  2. Time... this year we are stretched for time and energy.  I needed and wanted something easy and inexpensive.  Each of us has to find what works best for our families and for our own capabilities during these coming weeks.

So, here's what I found at Garden Ridge yesterday:

A big box!

That holds lots of little small boxes!

I didn't have to make a thing!  Well, except the numbers!

And all for less than $20!!!  I did print out stencils for the numbers.  Then cut them out and glued them onto the boxes.  I wish I had kept looking for more stencils online because soon after mine were complete, I found these.  They would have been quite a bit easier!

Now, I'm trying to compile a list of activities to be included into these cute little boxes!  I stole most of these from friends on facebook, Pinterest and Google searches!  Some are silly, some are very intentional teaching moments, some are simply about family being together.  I have ONE purpose in doing an advent calendar for Lucas and our family.  That purpose is to create longing and anticipation in our hearts.  The world ached and groaned for Christ's first coming.  I want to feel that.  And today, the Earth and all of our hearts tremble for His Second Coming. I want to be aware of the anticipation in my heart.  Advent means "The Arrival".  I want to wait longingly for his coming Arrival.  And I want to help create that for Lucas.  And together we'll pray, "Come, Lord Jesus."  Each day, as Lucas opens a box, he'll anticipate what's in it and what we are going to do that day.  Then I will talk about how every day, in that same way, we long for and expect Jesus to come for us.

With all that said, here's my list.  They are not quite in order yet and I have more than 25.  I'll arrange them best with our weekly schedule and move things around as needed.  If I stick to this 80%, I'll feel great about it.  And one thing to note: we don't do Santa Clause at our house.  Ask if you'd like more explanation on that, but notice I'm celebrating St. Nicholas Day on Dec. 6th.  And that's why some of my calendar boxes have Santa on them... but we call him St. Nicholas :)


1. Go to  Mozart’s for special dessert and hot chocolate.  It's a coffee/dessert shop on the lake and they have great lights up already!  

2. A new Christmas coloring book

3. Read the Christmas Story from Luke 2

4. Make Christmas cards for Friends and Family 

5. Make a card for our mail person 

6.     Celebrate St. Nicholas Day on Dec. 6^th; Buy a gift on the Any Baby Can Wish-List  and deliver it to them

7.     Make and Decorate Cookies- deliver them to neighbors and the mail person with cards

8.     Order a pizza and watch a Christmas movie together; make hot chocolate and stir with candy canes

9.     Feed the ducks at the pond and go to our church’s Christmas party

10. Make a Christmas Ornament and take Christmas Pictures at school

11. Make “goody” bags for the homeless and pass them out from our car

12. Make a Ginger Bread house

13. Have a tea time

14. Make a card for someone who doesn’t have a lot of family around and invite them to come to one of our upcoming activities with us

15. Go see the lights on 37th Street in Austin and go to across the street to Amy’s ice cream

16. Lower our heat for a day and pray for those who don't have heat at all.  

17.  Make a pine cone bird feeder to feed the animals around us.

18.  Make paper snowflakes and hang them in our windows.  Check these out: Easy ones for kids

19. Ride the MetroRail and meet a family member or friend downtown for brunch and/or the Children's Museum.  Annie's is my favorite!

20. Make a ginger bread house or a ginger bread nativity

21. Go to Trail of Lights with family!   Trail of Lights Schedule!  The 21st is Caroling night! Begin building our nativity set by adding the angel.

22. Make a full traditional breakfast and play Christmas music.  Add the wise men to the nativity

23. The Element Express!  See here for this fabulous idea!  Add the animals to the nativity.

24. Make a birthday cake for Jesus.  Add Joseph and Mary to the nativity.

25. Remember It’s Christmas Day.  We have a family who loves us, and Jesus has come for us… He is the most important gift of all.  Add baby Jesus to the nativity.  Open gifts and spend the day celebrating with family.

Other activities:

    1.     Take family photos

    2.     Make the house smell like Christmas

    3.     Make a list of things you are thankful for

    4.     Go get warm donuts at Krispy Kremes

    5.     Find Mistletoe and hang it in your house

    6.     Buy a stranger’s coffee or meal

    7.     Finding things in your home to give away to charity

    8.     Write a note to someone you appreciate

   9.      Singing carols together with family or friends

I read Twilight! There! I said it!

Yeah, I did!  And it turns out, I'm learning, you probably did too!

Gotta say, I was a little late to this Edward Cullen party.  I just read the books about 6 weeks ago.  And, it only took about a week to read ALL FOUR books!

This summer, I got on a novel reading kick and was searching for mindless entertainment.  Life has been pretty crazy lately with lots of stress and intensity.  So, I wanted escape... albeit somewhat healthy escape as I've already tried the eating-too-much/drinking-too-much escapes and those just lead you to places you don't want to go.  When I began asking around for books to read, it turned out almost all of my girlfriends had read the whole Twilight series!  SECRETLY!  And they LOVED it!

I will admit that I had previously watched the first two movies following all the hype about this beautiful vampire.  I wasn't all that impressed.  Even with Robert what's his face.  And the acting in the first film!  Gag!  I was seriously offended when someone asked me if we named our son, whose middle name is Edward, after the books.  Uh, no.

But, I'm blogging about it now because in all honesty, reading Twilight has changed my life a little.  Before you laugh at me, let me explain... in numbered paragraph form:

1. Like I said, life has been really tough lately.  All in the last few months: I had surgery, my grandmother passed away, my husband changed jobs, I potty trained my 2 year-old (uhhm, I have a 2 year-old. That's on the list too.), and last but certainly not least, we lost 2 babies.  This summer goes down in the books for us... as ruthless and entirely harsh.  Maybe I'll write more about that later, but for now, I just want to write about Twilight!  Twilight, along with several other fiction trilogies, was the perfect escape from the emotional and physical turmoil of a hard season.  I mean, Twilight alone contains: a silly and completely unrealistic love story, a fantastical world of beautiful vampires and imprinting werewolves, fights of good-vs-evil, and in the end a pretty good "everything's going to be okay."  It was just what I needed!

2. Through learning that my girlfriends had covertly read the books, I also learned that  they are all, again secretly, pumped about the new movie coming out in November.  A few of them even keep up with whether Robert and Kristen are still together or not!  Who knew!?  Let me clarify:  We are all 30-something Christians, mostly stay-at-home moms.  I figured it was only teeny bops out there reading this stuff.  And, truthfully, I had a little judgment in my heart for the non-teeny bops who had read it.  So, I was snobbishly reluctant to buy the first book.  But I have now seen the light. Therefore, in order to pursue greater purpose in my relationships with my friends (wink), I have organized a movie marathon so we can all be ready for the release next month of Breaking Dawn Part 2!  Hey, I've only seen the first two films. This just seemed the best way to catch up!  And I get to hang out with some women I love... enjoying some silliness, a little wine, popcorn, chocolate and Jacob taking his shirt off!  In conclusion, Twilight has scratched the surface in deepening my relationships! (wink, wink)

3. At the end of the Kindle version of the books is a transcript of an interview between another author and Stephenie Meyer, Twilight author, in case you didn't know!  I never read these things at the ends of books, but for whatever reason, I read this one.  She is (or was) a stay-at-home mom of  three young children.  She didn't consider herself a writer and had only sporadically written a few things casually.  One night when her youngest was barely one year old, she had a dream.  Her very detailed dream was the scene between Edward and Bella in the meadow... yeah, the one where he sparkles like diamonds in the sun!  She woke up from her dream so intrigued with the story that she just had to know what was going to happen between these two.  That morning, before swim lessons and while knowing she should have been doing other things, she sat down to write out the story.  Three months later, the first novel in the series was written in its entirety.  For some reason, this story really inspires me.  To know that another mom out there, found the time... made the time to follow a dream.  In her case a literal dream, but you know what I mean.  And whether you like the story she wrote or you make fun of it, you've gotta give the girl her props!  She's written four New York Times bestsellers and got 5 movie deals!  This woman is now a multi-millionaire. Way to go Stephenie Meyer!  I think you rock a little bit!

Things I'm Learning Through Infertility: Part Four

I CANNOT WALK THIS ROAD ALONE!

I cannot say this one enough.  I couldn't have gotten through this with any inkling of sanity had I not had other women to walk with.  I am a true believer of community and family living life together... sharing celebrations, sharing resources, sharing pain, walking together... what my church calls the "one-anothering" of life.  

When all this fertility stuff started for me, I knew of a couple of women who had endometriosis.  So, I called them. Immediately.  I was scared and freaked out.  Their words, unlike any others, were rest and comfort for my little heart.  As time went on, I met more and more women walking this same road for one reason or another.  Oddly, I have 3 friends from college who were all going through fertility treatments at the same time that I was.  We began meeting for lunch once a month or so just to connect and pray for each other.  Just being in their presence was deeply comforting... just knowing that other people felt that longing as deeply as I did.   

Early on, I loved hearing stories of people's fertility struggle as long as it ended with  a pregnancy and baby!  Then, as time went on and my heart grew in understanding of what was happening in my story, I began seeking out stories from women who adopted.  In late 2009, I met a woman, who after years of battling infertility adopted 2 girls.  As she shared her story with me, I saw on her face that she felt satisfied in the Lord. She still carried her scar. But she felt peace and joy. And she gave thanks and was not bitter.  She hugged me and held on.  She cried and told me that she knows my pain.  I felt God touch me.  I have several stories like this with other women... but this one always stands out in my mind as a moment where real truth seeped into my heart and set it a little more free.

In all honesty, for a long time I had a really difficult time being around women in groups... women's retreats, showers of any kind, etc.  When women are together they talk about their families... and sometimes not so kindly.  It was sooo hard to hear a woman complain about the difficulties of motherhood or pregnancy.  I mean, I get it, it's hard.  But not one of those complaining women would trade places with a "barren" woman.  And I would have given my left arm to have those 4 kids she's complaining about.  

At times, it was also difficult to connect with my really close friends who had kids.  Ironically, during my struggle with infertility, one of my closest friends had three Unexpected, Unplanned babies!  If our friendship was to survive (due to my own heartache and envy), she and I had to have some really honest conversations about how we both felt.    When she got pregnant with her third, we cried together (both of us wishing it had been me!)  As we talked, I realized that her heart was going through a very similar thing that mine was.  This had not been her plan.  Having a baby means completely laying down your life for a while.  She had other things she wanted to do, dreams to live out.  And God had another plan for her.  She had to surrender.  And it was painful for her.  She also had the capability to simply let it be painful for me.  She understood and was not put off by my pain.  I appreciate her more than she knows!  Tear.  

All that to say... I needed old friends and new friends to go through this without losing hope and possibly ending up a mere shell of who I'm called to be.  Those same women who grieved with me, also celebrated the homecoming of my son!  My house was decorated when we got home, I had meals for several weeks, a baby shower and lots of mom shoulders to lean on.  To all my lovely friends out there, I say Thank you.  You are a gift to me!

These really great pics, I stole from facebook.  They are of some friends of mine from  high school.  Most of these girls have been friends with each other from at least junior high and they are still all "besties!"  They travel together every year... a very intentional way to pursue friendship!  It's inspiring.  Love to all you girls from afar!  I hope it's okay that I borrowed your pics ;)

Things I'm Learning Through Infertility: Part Three

And number 3 in the things I'm learning:

I will NOT be defined by this!  

Today, "Infertile" is NOT a label I wear.  I did wear it for a long time.  And I believed everything about me was... barren. 

Before I was diagnosed with endometriosis, I was working in a job I loved and I was good at it.  I believed that too.  I felt that I knew who I was, I felt confident in my abilities and I had a lot of dreams.  After getting diagnosed and then experiencing disappointment upon disappointment, my identity (along with my womb) became the center of this attack.  I began doubting who I was altogether... revealing that a huge part of my identity was wrapped up in this dream of bearing children.  And I began seeing things in my life unravel.  I doubted all my abilities... especially my relational abilities which was the core of my job at the time. I even quit my job... some for need of rest, but a little because I just became so anxious about it.  I began shying away from all areas of leadership.  I felt like a horrible wife, a horrible friend and mentor, and on top of that, I couldn't even get my garden to grow.  Seriously, my joke was "Well, my own seeds don't grow without the help of chemicals, why would my garden grow?"  I truly believed that everything about me and my life was "infertile."  And I stopped dreaming.

Through a series of events, God lead me to give up that label.  It is not what He says is true about me.  And it's a lie!  I am not "infertile."  I will not be called barren any longer.  A couple of years ago, I was given an opportunity to share this publicly (about how God asked me to lay down the barren label and believe truth about myself).  In much fear and trepidation, I went and shared it.  Then Felipe and I got in the car to drive home.  Ironically, on that day I had been waiting on a call from the fertility clinic... it was THE call to find out if we were pregnant or not after our last IVF cycle.   I got the call in the car on the way home.  We were not pregnant.   Of course, it was devastating.  But this time it was also different.  I no longer believed that that negative test defined me.  It has been a life changing truth to hold on to.  

I feel today, as though I have my life back.  I believe that this change even gave me the freedom and courage to adopt... the best decision Felipe and I have ever made!  I have also stepped back into many areas of life that I had previously been afraid.  My garden, it grows! And I'm dreaming again!  All this has made me very aware that if I let it, infertility will steal my destiny!  

"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy.  I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." - Jesus of Nazareth


"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby. Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth!  You're ending up with far more children that all those child bearing women."  God says so!  "Clear lots of ground for your tents!  Make your tents large. Spread out!  Think big!  Use plenty of rope, drive the tent pegs deep.  You're going to need lots of elbow room for your growing family.  You're going to take over whole nations; you're going to resettle abandoned cities.  Don't be afraid- you're not going to be embarrassed.  Don't hold back- you're not going to come up short.  You'll forget all about the humiliations of your youth, and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory.  For your Maker is your bridegroom, His name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!  Your Redeemer is the Holy of Israel, known as God of the whole earth."  Isaiah 54:1, The Message

Things I'm Learning Through Infertility: Part Two

  A little bold in the title, right!?

In great contradiction to the title above, here's #2:

I am NOT in control!  

No matter how hard I try, no matter how many things I do to help this womb become the best little incubator on the planet, I can't do it.  And believe me I've tried.  I've been to 3 doctors, 2 holistic practitioners, been on countless herbs, medicines and diets.  I've been dairy-free, gluten-free, chocolate-free, sugar-free, carb-free, caffeine and alcohol-free!  Oh yeah, and we tried a yeast-free diet once!  All that, and I gained 40 pounds in the process!  I've been massaged and acupunctured! I've even rolled a rolling pin up my leg while having castor oil on my abdomen supposedly to get blood to my ovaries!  And I've Taken Charge of my Fertility!    I've done the best treatments that science has to offer! I've prayed, I've surrendered, I've been anointed with oil, and I've been through healing prayer to find that "inner psychological wound" that's causing my body to not work!  Sheesh! 

What I'm not saying is that all of the above was for naught.  Some of those things were great for my health and well-being along the way.  But through most of it, I was simply reaching for control.  Along this journey, there are so many things that I had no power over... my cycle, cysts growing continuously, the right timing, the dumb negative sign on that stick!  There was just no control.  And I wanted it so badly!  It would send me into a panic.

And now, what I'm learning is that feeling of control is just an illusion.  The only thing I do have a tiny bit of power over is how I choose to respond to this most horrible tragedy in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I made many choices to sit, wallow, throw full on 2 year-old tantrums, and sulk in my own pity.  But... I also made some choices to worship even in sorrow, to be honest with God and confess my anger and rage, and to give thanks.  And letting go of my earthly fate, dying to my own will, and choosing to believe that God is with me, has been water to my thirsty soul.  All that sounds really great and easy when I write it down all pretty right?  I don't really know how I got to this place of just accepting that I'm not in control.  But I did get here.  And my heart  is much more peaceful than it once was.

Things I'm Learning Through Infertility: Part One

The Introduction

First, why am I doing this series and posting my infertility story for all the world to see?

For two reasons:

1. Women contact me regularly either because they read my blog or because they heard about my story and want to talk to me.  They have questions about infertility, how I've dealt with it, adoption, marriage, you name it.  I think this will answer a lot for them.  And because there are several "infertility" blogs out there that are just not very encouraging.  BTW, I'm not turning into an "infertility only" blog.  Just doing this series.

2. God is doing something new in my heart and I'm processing.  This helps me do that.

This series is titled "Things I'm Learning Through Infertility."  I think in a previous post, I may have said Learned, but that's incorrect.  I have not mastered any of what I write here.  I have failed so many times; I will continue to fail. I'm in process and am learning.

Also, one thing about being an adoptive mom.  I will be and have been writing about the pain of infertility.  I'm writing only about infertility here.  Maybe an adoption series will come later.  The pain of not bearing a child remains even though I now have a son.  Lucas was never intended to be a replacement or a settlement for not having biological children.  He is my dream come true!  Just, a different dream.  Lucas is everything I want and more!  He is not second best.  He is no disappointment! And he's mine!  I just want to explain that as some may wonder about it.

Part One

In light of the two previous posts about how others interact with women walking through infertility, I'm starting with this as #1 in the series of Things I'm Learning Through Infertility:

LOVE covers a multitude of sins!

I have to give people grace.  People don't have nor do they need a Ph.D. in "How to talk to me when I'm hurting."  The fact that it offends me or makes me angry really is my issue.  When people tell me how I am to address them or talk to them, it usually makes me back way off.  I freeze up and then tip-toe trying to figure out what to say or do.  I don't want people to feel like that around me.

Through all this, even in my most hurting, scared and "freeking-out-for-lack-of-control" moments, I am still to be loving.  When my hormones are out of control and I'm angry so far beyond explanation, I am to call upon the Holy Spirit who is "Self-Control" Himself and I am to love.  And that LOVE... IT WILL cover a multitude.  I just have to let it.  

I just received this note from a friend who also is walking this road.  I was encouraged by her words:

"God is really working on my heart about extending grace to those people who say silly comments.  And he's showing me about how much I need to let it go. Immediately.  So hard!!  I think most people don't think or just don't know what to say.  I also have learned that as people walk with you/us through infertility and loss and it continues for months and years, they feel uncomfortable about the level of pain.  They want the pain to stop.  It is hard for their minds to grasp the pain sometimes as a bystander...and so they let the platitudes come out as a way to justify or make the situation better in their minds.  (Even though adopting won't take away the pain of IVF not working or of your lost child)... but you know that.  Still doesn't make the comments ok or right, but it does help my heart to know and understand that... so I don't slap people :)"

My Story of Infertility... Well, a part of it.

This post begins a series of several posts describing things I've learned along the road of infertility.  This is a little shout out to all the "so-called" INfertile Myrtle's out there.  Hopefully, others will get something from it too; as I think any of us walking along a road of suffering can glean wisdom and hope from each other!

And before I start with the #1 thing I have learned on this journey, I think I'll start with my story.  It seems important to give the whole picture and let you know where I'm coming from.

Don't worry, I won't start with my birth or anything.  But I will say that I was a child who dreamed often of becoming a mother.  And not just being a mom; but I had a fascination with pregnancy.  In all seriousness, my mom lost me several times in stores because I would wander away and follow a pregnant woman.  I thought it was simply amazing.  And I deeply longed for the day it would happen to me.  One of my goals as an adult was to be bare-foot, pregnant and in my kitchen!

2005
In 2005, as a 27 year-old single woman, I began experiencing more difficult than normal cycles and constant pain.  Three doctors later (the first 2 told me I was stressed and needed to get on the pill) an ultrasound was done and they found my first ovarian cyst.  In November of 2005, I had my first surgery to remove it and endometriosis (endo) was discovered.  It was "pretty nasty" in there and at that time, I was told I had about a 40% chance of ever conceiving.

2006
In January 2006, I began taking Depo Lupron and was put into temporary menopause for 6 months.  I met and began dating my husband (obviously a very compassionate man) during this time.  Within 2 months of being off Lupron, pain had returned.

2007
I had my second surgery exactly one month before my wedding day in March.  This time it was an emergency situation as they thought one of my ovaries had begun to twist cutting off circulation.  Things looked much worse inside at this time and something didn't go quite well in surgery.  I was hospitalized for 5 days.   For a little extra explanation: the average C-section takes about 30 minutes, the average endo laproscopy takes about an hour, but for someone with my level (stage 4) of endo, surgery takes about 3 hours.  It's a lot of cutting.  I don't like surgery.  Felipe and I began trying to conceive on our honeymoon.  Prior to our wedding, we took a class on Natural Family Planning (NFP) and learned to chart and take temps.  I've taken 2 classes now and have my own personal consultant!  I have books of charts (12 months of charts for 2007).  By December, multiple cysts had returned.

2008
I was diagnosed (incorrectly) with polycystic ovarian syndrome and took needless medication for it for months.  We began doing injections of HCG and progesterone.  Went through multiple hormone tests (blood draws).  I was then told by my doctor that I was above his pay grade and needed to go to a specialist.  In December, we met Dr. Silverberg at the Texas Fertility Clinic.  And in case I forget to put this as one of the things I learned: I learned that specialists are way better and much more skilled and efficient at this!!  I hope I never have to let a non-specialist do surgery on me again.
For 2008, there were 12 months of charts.

2009
In February, Silverberg did my third surgery.  A much better experience, though it was still really bad in there.  He also found that my thyroid was enlarged.  Enter a new doctor in my life (my endocrinologist), who diagnosed me with hypo-thyroid.  Been on Synthroid ever since and see this guy every 6 months.   In April, we attempted our first IUI with injectables.  That's where you take injections of "wheaties" to help your eggs grow big and strong.  Then another injection to release the eggs.  And it gets a little too detailed from there.  Anyways, it didn't work.
We began preparing for our In-Vitro (IVF) cycle, which was done in August.  You can read details about all this here on the blog from that year.  Our first cycle, we had 2 embryos put inside me.  We lost both babies.  We had one frozen embryo remaining and we began preparing for our frozen embryo transfer (FET).  That was done in November and we lost that child too.  We grieved.  And we rested.  We were a bit relieved it was all over and we wanted to move on.
I only have 4 months of charts from this year.  They hijack your system and charting is irrelevant during these treatments.

2010
In January, we decided to adopt.  In April, I had an ultrasound (haven't had one since) and there was at least one cyst.  It looked like an ovary was stuck somewhere it shouldn't be.  In June, our son was born!  Best day of my life... along with my wedding day! (Again see details of our adoption on the blog).  In July, I visited a new ob-gyn for my annual.  He said, "See you in a year!"  I laughed.  My last ob-gyn was invited to my wedding!  That's how well and how often I was seeing these people!  So, the "see ya in year comment" struck me as funny.  I induced lactation so that I could breast-feed Lucas.  It was for him and for me.  The best treatment for endo is pregnancy.  The second best treatment for endo is breast feeding.  I breast fed my adopted son for 7 months!  A wonderful gift.  And I've had little to no pain with endo for over a year.  In October, we got new insurance and my endo or anything related... not covered.  We prayed.  No charts for 2010! Lucas was hope-fulfilled and he has healed my heart in more ways than I know.

2011
I spent my time NOT going to doctors (avoiding them actually)!  On August 1, we got new insurance... and I'm covered!  I know it's a good idea to go get a check up soon and I probably will.  It doesn't mean I want to ;)  I have two charts from this year.  I thought I might pick it back up because it tells me a lot about what's going on in my body.  But I just haven't had the discipline for it.  And there's a twinge of disappointment with each month that passes.  I just counted it up and we've been married for 54 months.  That's 54 months that have passed and no plus sign on that stick.  And no, I don't pee on 'em anymore!   We are talking about adopting again.  Very excited about that.

So, that's that.  I'll begin writing the series soon.

How to be more helpful!! Post II

Thank you all for your funny and encouraging comments!  I got some really funny stuff via email!  I do have to say, it's nice to know I have not been the only one who got an offer for a surrogate.  Though, I kind of wish I was the only one!

In light of the emails I received, I just have to add one more to the "Not-so helpful" list of things people say to women walking through infertility!

• #11  "Just touch me and let my fertileness rub off on you!  Every time my husband looks at me, I get pregnant!"  I'll just let that one speak for itself ;)

Now, as promised, I'll list out some "Helpful Comments/Gestures" people can do for couples walking through this painful time.  From the statistics on the last post, it was the most read blog post I've ever written.  I hope this one gets even more hits... since this one really is more important!  

The HELPFUL Things:

• #1  Be aware of how deeply infertility affects the couple and especially the woman.  They are going through so much, not just emotionally, but also physically and spiritually.  And infertility can put any marriage into the deep end where neither partner knows how to swim.  At some point in a marriage, most couples are going to deal with some kind of "conflict" in the bedroom.  Think of the toll infertility takes on that aspect of marriage.  People make jokes, but it's a big deal.  Depending on what is causing the infertility, the woman could be in severe physical pain, sometimes daily... that alone takes a huge toll on anyone.  Then not to mention what she's going through physically if she's going any sort of fertility treatments.  If she does get pregnant, it's likely a high-risk pregnancy, meaning the same rules do not apply to her.  It's a different ball-game.  And spiritually... there is a whole range of things they could be experiencing from questioning God/faith, deep anger, feeling forgotten, and also having their faith deepened.  Just being aware of all this helps people to have compassion and know how to engage in conversation.

• #2 Know that adopting will not "fix" her problem.  It will not take away her desire to birth her own child and she probably won't get pregnant after they adopt.  Her desire may never go away. How she deals with it, is her choice.  God commanded us all to be fruitful and multiply.  The desire to have one's own child is innate and very good.  And for the sake of goodness among humanity, recognize that every Christian family should consider adoption.  The Bible demands it.  Just because people can procreate is NO reason to not adopt children.  We are all "called" to the orphan.  

• #3  Let her know you are praying or you are thinking of her.  You can also let her know that you are there to listen if she would like to talk to someone.  I got many sweet emails or notes simply letting me know that I was on their heart.  Random flowers would be very sweet.  Even years into her struggle... let her know you too are still thinking about her pain.  She is.

• #4 If appropriate (as in after a surgery, major procedure or miscarriage), by all means take them a meal!  Or organize a Care Calender for them!  It's a very generous way to serve.  Be aware that they may or may not want this or be up for visiting at the time you bring the meal.  Just be sensitive.

• #5  If it's a close friend or relative, it may be appropriate to ask questions (i.e. how did the "procedure" go?).  Tread lightly here as much of it is personal and not everyone wants to answer those questions.  If you have specific questions about how a certain procedure works and it's just to satisfy your own curiosity... Google it!  

• #6 A lot about the topic of infertility and treatments for it is ridiculously "Joke-worthy!"  But!  Let them make jokes first.  I've personally learned this the hard way.  I laugh at most things (even the ridiculously painful and especially about men "donating" their sperm in little cups hidden in paper bags!) but not everyone does ;)  

• #7  Sit in your own ability to not be able to "fix" anything or "take away" any pain for anyone.  It's a hard place to be because we all want to help.  We do wish we could have a baby for them or make a way for her to able to do it.  But we just can't.  You don't know how they feel, you don't have the solution, and you can't make it all go away.  Your advice is not needed.  But you can simply be with them in it.  

• #8  Recognize loss when it happens.  Grieve with them, mourn for them.  Also, recognize that the loss of embryos in an IVF cycle or a miscarriage at any stage IS the loss of one or more children.  After we lost our embryos, it was such a strange emotion because most of the world didn't seem to recognize it as the loss of our children.  But I did receive one note from a friend, a "sympathy card"... and it was so beautiful.  It was water to my soul... someone saying they were sorry for my loss.  I felt deeply loved.  Our best friends stayed very near to us during this time and would always call after a procedure or major loss.  They just repeatedly wanted us to know they were "with us" if we wanted them to be.  Once, we shocked them after a major disappointment when we just wanted to come over and laugh together.  We needed to NOT grieve that day.  And they let us.  Thanks Mark and Ceci!

• #9 Ask what you CAN do to help.  At the end of 2009 (the worst year of our lives I call it), I was simply exhausted and spent with grief.  And my body had been through the ringer.  I had a hard time getting dressed much less cleaning my house.  My girlfriends, after asking what they could do to help, came over one night and Deep Cleaned my house!  We all had some wine, some dessert and worked for 3 hours on my house!  It was a wonderful gift... and way better than hiring someone to do it!  Also, when my husband's friends would take him out to do something fun (that I wasn't in the mood for)... it was so life-giving to him!

• #10  Some may have different opinions on this, but I say, still invite them to baby showers and birthday parties.  They may feel more alienated if you don't.  And just give them grace if they don't show.  

• And #11  Pray.  Pray for your friends.  Pray for God to "remember them."  Every instance I can think of where a womb was opened in the Bible, it says "And God remembered Sarah...," or "God remembered her prayer..." etc.  Pray for them to not lose heart or grow bitter.  Pray for courage to endure.  Pray for them to find a path to thankfulness.  Pray for wisdom (lots of decisions are needed on this journey).  Pray for faith. Pray for babies!  Just pray.  And let them know you are praying.  

I do hope you've found this to be... helpful!

Following up on this list, I'll soon write a blog of encouragement for women currently dealing with infertility.  No advice at all... just things that were/are helpful for me.  It's just my story and it may be of encouragement. You may take it or leave it :-)

How to be more helpful! Post I

Fair warning, I'm in a mood today.  Probably a little more bold than normal... just go with it!

I'm thinking about infertility today.  When I think about it, I can feel the pain in my heart.  It's always there, but I'm just more aware of it on some days.  There has been so much healing in my heart; but I'll carry this scar until Jesus returns.  I have several friends walking through it today.  Infertility, I mean.  It changes over time, you know, just like any major walk on a road of patience (long suffering).  I felt very different about it all 5 years ago.  And just like the 35 year-old waiting to be married, I never thought it would go on this long. Everyone experiences it differently.  Like, I tend to surprise people with how open I am about it.  I guess, it's my personality.  I'm such an extrovert who wears my heart on my sleeve; I'm not sure I could even have the where-with-all to hide anything for very long.

However, being so open about my ordeal definitely opens me up to A LOT of... Stuff!  Opinions, prophetic words, completely Stupid comments (or nicely, we can call them Ignoramus comments), prayer times with people I don't know, people who think they know what I'm feeling, etc. I've learned to just smile and endure.  And I've learned that people really mean well.  I try to see their hearts underneath.  Yet, I completely understand when people going through this want to keep it to themselves.  On the brighter note, being open about it has also opened us up to A LOT of Love.  Desperately needed prayer, encouragement, and people who really do know... I call those people "Christ in the flesh."

It's here, I'll list a few things that I've found helpful or not at all helpful!  The not-at-all helpful category... these are the comments that make a woman silently go off on you in her head and then later share the comment only with other women who struggle with infertility so they can laugh about it!  And every so often you here a whopper that you can't even believe someone would think, much less say out loud!  So, if you are an offender of one of these comments, well... know I or whoever you said it to probably loves you!  And... learn from this!

For the purposes of this discussion, I will define a woman who is struggling with infertility as:
1. any woman who has been trying to get pregnant for longer than 6 months
2. any woman who has ever had a miscarriage (even if it was at only 4 weeks!)
3. any woman who has ever lost a baby past 20 weeks; there's a special place in my heart for you.
4. any woman who has undergone IVF
4  and especially any woman who has had more than one miscarriage, or has done more than one fertility treatment, or has done many treatments and never had a baby!  You get special props here!  I hope to make you laugh a little!

The NOT-SO-HELPFUL Comments:

• #1  "Can I be your surrogate?"  Seriously, I've had 2 offers!

• #2  "Have you thought about adopting?  There are babies all over the world who need mommies and daddies right now!"  Seriously, people?!  My comment to that is... Have you thought about adopting? And I'm an adoptive mom!  Don't say that to anyone walking through infertility.  But do ask other people in your community.  Adoption is an EVERYONE issue... not just the infertile!  It truly reveals the truth about how people feel about adopted children... like they are second best or something.  It's rude on several levels.  And it is not helpful to her heart or journey at all!  

• #3  "As soon as you stop TRYING, you'll get pregnant!  Just relax!"  Guess what!?  We relaxed and it did NOT happen!

• #4 "OMG! Everyone is getting pregnant right now!" or  "OMG!  So-and-so is pregnant... AGAIN!  Can you believe it?"  Ok, so maybe part of that one is specific to my church (seriously, so many people got preggers at the same time... and then again... and then again!  We want to be excited for so-and-so... we really do.)

• #5  "Now that you've adopted, you'll get pregnant!  My mom's friend's sister... that happened to her!  It happens to EVERYONE who adopts!"  I shouldn't get started on how wrong this is to say.  But... I think I will.  First, it's just wrong...incorrect information! Seriously, statistically it doesn't happen that often.  And it completely puts down the adoption experience... like they only want the adopted child so that they can get pregnant with their real child.  That's so not how adoptive parents feel, infertile or not.

• #6  "Are you sure you're ovulating/ having regular cycles/ etc.?"  I assure you, women dealing with this know FAR MORE than most will ever know about ovulation, her cycle and how this whole "make a baby" thing works!  

• #7 "Have you tried accupuncture, herbs, chiropractic... anything holistic really?"  Ok, yes, she's tried all of the above!  And she could teach you a thing a two!

• #8  "It will happen!  I just know you're going to have a baby!"  At first, this made me feel better.  But 2 years later, it just more revealed that people don't know what to do with pain.  Or that God might not "come through" in the way we think He will.  This woman is sitting in the reality of the mystery.  It's okay to let her sit there.  

• #9 "God just might not want you to have a baby.  He has other plans for you.  He works in mysterious ways.  Just surrender to His plan."  Please don't attribute anything to God.  This woman is questioning Him enough as it is.  Don't make Him out to be the bad guy!

• And #10!  This one is a whopper I recently heard that was said to an adoptive parent:  "If your house were on fire, would you get your adopted child or your real child out of the house first?"  NO!!!!!!  OMGoodness, NO!  I told Felipe about this and he actually said he would slap a person if they said that to him.  I've never heard him say anything like that before.  

I hope you enjoy my list.  I warned you... I'm in a mood ;)

This got a little long, so I'll include the "Helpful" list later.  If you want some more things to laugh about b/c you relate to this... check this out:  Infertility Urban Legends!  I read her blog occasionally.  Only occasionally though, because I don't like to read anything that labels me as "infertile" very much.  It's just not a label I wear.  I hope you don't either.  It's just not what God says about me.  :)

Deep Thoughts...

So, this morning I opened my email and got several "pray for this or that" emails.  One is an invitation to a prayer walk tomorrow in Austin, one is a blogger who is on a Compassion International trip working with starving children in the Philippines, one is a Campus Crusade missionary asking for prayer for funds, one is a man from my church asking people to help with the disaster relief efforts in Joplin, MO... seriously all these emails just today and it's not even 8:30am.  In the midst of reading these emails and not exactly sure how to respond to them in the middle of my morning routine here in Austin, TX, I look over at my now 1 year-old son in his highchair.  He was looking at me with big eyes that were asking "give me some more waffle please."  All of a sudden, I felt this gush of pleasure over him. Sheer joy. I teared up even.  It had to be something that God let me feel this morning.  I  realized how sweet and innocent he is... and how unaware of the world's problems he is.  He can't do one thing about them.  He doesn't desire to jump on a plane to go save children or to send all his money to help.  He just wants "more waffle, please"... well, most of the time there is no "please!" And God couldn't be more pleased with him.  God expects nothing more from Lucas... and neither do I.

My heart changed toward the emails I received.  I said a short prayer asking for God's help and presence in all those situations.  And I felt at peace.  That's what I had to give to those efforts this morning.  And I believe God is pleased with that.

My First Mother's Day!

The pictures tell the story well.

On Saturday, Lucas got to wear his new shark suit and we went to the pool!  Love this swim outfit!

Little swimmers!

Scary shark wanting to learn to swim with a board!  He did great in the water, though I didn't get any pictures of it.  He even went under once or twice :) 

On Sunday, we went to Green Pastures for Mother's Day Brunch with Grandpa Bud and Nana!  Lucas and Grandpa smiling at each other.  Notice the big piece of bread in Luc's mouth.

He loves his Nana!  Pretty picture!

The pianist wanted to play him a little song.  But, Lucas wanted to play her a song!  Notice me holding his hands down, her watching him and him playing the piano anyway... with his foot!  Smart.

Happy Mommy!

And a happy family!

These are sweet of him.

Loves to laugh!

So precious.

I think he's clapping here.  His new favorite thing!

Is he not the most beautiful thing!?

An attempt to get a better family shot than the ones at Easter :)

Not too bad!

I love those boys.

Ahhh... a happy Mother's Day it was.